December 2005

I’m sitting in my new home! we’re on-line and the phone is connected!

We even have a Christmas tree….we have food and love and lots of boxes to unpack (didn’t I just finish packing them?)

Moving would be much easier if you could have a months holiday in the middle…it reminds me of being in labour with Zak and promising that I’d come back the next day to have him if they’d just let me go home and have a sleep!

There’s so much different here…I’m remembering that politeness, niceness, and friendliness are three different things. There is a dis-connectedness between people here…crowds of people moving in solitary worlds…people appear surprised and un-nerved by friendly conversation, and eye contact is brief or met with blank stares….this is in the run up to Christmas!

I think everyone must be exhausted and depressed! I can actually remember the two people that have smiled at me in the last week.

It’s all surface stuff though…our friends are amazing…and we’ve actually been in a position to help in return a couple of times already…

‘Tis the season to be jolly…’

Merry mid-winter to everyone…The days are getting brighter from here on in.



waking life


all’s well

wild divine.

Trying to be patient…I feel everything going unbelievably fast… Christmas in few days for one thing. Bills, taxes and new job looming up super-fast on the horizon………..So how come Saturday is soooooo far away?

I’m receiving daily (though collecting when i can) e-mails from the Go Gratitude experiment…and it’s getting silly because every day I’m doing a double take over co-incidences…passwords that I chose six months ago, symbols that I’ve drawn years ago, and patterns I’ve been almost obsessed with doodling for the last year…

I must be such a child of my time….I’m excited by them but disturbed at the same time that we/I must be so barely free. I’m not even sure that there would be anything preferable in being influenced by (God/light beings/angels etc) than just being a sheep following trends and advertising.

I guess I’m happy when I consider it to be because there are archetypal patterns in the universal growth…that perhaps it’s just the way human minds/consciousness are evolving.

The sensation that I may burst

Is eased by the comparison

Of my heart  to a bubble.

hypnotic erotic surface

spinning and thinning,

connecting space

with space,

surrendered in a delicate




I love being here…I learnt amazing things in Yorkshire, but here the dreaming of life is so quick…so responsive as to be breathtaking. Connections and patterns come so thick and  fast as to be inescapable and laughable to put down as co-incidence.

Well it makes me laugh anyway.

It seems sign after sign at the moment…I’m excited by it and thrilled, which considering I ran away from exactly this sensation, that there seemed something so much bigger than me, is a good feeling.

And I’m grateful for all that’s in my heart right now. 


Moving a home

Aha, on-line!

Yesterday we went in to measure up the new house…had a fry-up in our old local cafe (we’re moving back within a couple of streets distance to where we were six years ago) and for the first time felt that “let’s go home” sensation and found the new house in our minds. A most wonderful feeling. Can’t move in til Saturday though.

Yesterday evening was the first time the stress/panic/planning/hardwork subsided to finally reveal  the gorgeous sensation of excitement and joy. We were driving back to stay with Alan (Mr CW), Zak was fast asleep in the back of the car, and everything was quiet and dark….Mark and I just suddenly twigged we were both feeling wonderful underneath all the manic-ness.

The main move of furnishings happened Thurs/Fri. A day that started at 6am in Eastbourne, a one hour drive/collect for the van, a four and a half hour drive to Yorkshire, five and a half hours packing into a van, a four an a half hour drive back to Brighton, three hours unloading into a storage space, drop-off the van, drive back to Eastbourne and bed by 3am. (Mark insanely stayed up to watch tele at this stage!)

So here I want to voice my awe and admiration for:

Alan…who along with offering us shelter and financial assistance, cancelled his planned activities for his holiday to be the third person in the van when our original plans failed with only 24hrs to go. You are our Guardian Angel, you are stronger than you think you are.

My mum!…It’s just one of those things, we moved a lot when we were kids, my mum’s an expert and shows you how to get on with it. And she cooked lunch, which we had no time to eat really, and brought fruit and bread, and (I suspect) shifted more boxes than I got close to. and Ed, one of my dads, who turned up after his own work day, which included a 4am start and five hours of travelling to and from.

Rich! Who in the short-time he had to offer, shifted things like the giant he is, much to the physical relief of all of us beginning to lose hope, and hugged and squeezed and kissed me, like the man he is, much to the emotional relief of me, who misses him loads.

Darren…Who earnt his cape when he joined us at the eleventh hour (literally) and did his superman impression until 2am.

And Mark who amazes me so often, who did all the driving, most of which was in a lorry that was a work-out to even change gear or steer in! worked like a demon, sent orders from the van like “all the odd shaped shit now” and kept his cool to an amazing degree. He REALLY did NOT want to do any of it…

(which  brings me to the fact that we couldn’t quite fit everything in and have to go again next week. oops.)

And Steffi who got to find out just how manipulative and demanding nine year old boys can be (amongst all the wonderful things they are) when she adopted Zak for two days to make it easier for us.

Huge thanks and Love and admiration to all involved.

I’m sitting in an internet cafe in Brighton.

Heard today that the house is all going through Ok…Have no money. Have to go get our stuff from Yorkshire in the next week or so…supposed to make the round trip in 24hrs this Thursday but may be changing our minds about that one.

Mark is in an interview as I type (with my fingers crossed, very difficult)

All in all chaotic and happy.

Mr Chumbley Warner is a saint.

Simone, Mark, Josh and Nathan are all angels.

Big love to you all…I’m sending out as many e-mails as I can in the time I have.


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