October 2005


Mum’s not well, money is a problem, looking at all the work that needs doing in the house and running out of steam…and I have incredibly cheeky, trap-wise mice moving in to my kitchen faster than I can move out!

I can’t believe how difficult it can be to get two grand together! I’m finding myself day-dreaming crazy illegal schemes like robbing banks, stealing cars etc!! My brain is obviously not used to thinking through money problems sensibly! hmmmm I should ring my sister she’s excellent at this kinda stuff.

Ok…off to find more steam.

Ok, I now have the names of twenty child-minders with spaces available. That’s a lot of phone calls to make. And I need to get a decent CV pulled together to begin applying for jobs. I’ve cancelled my direct debits, am handing in notice to the council tomorrow that we’re moving…it gives me a four week deadline. I’ve booked storage for our stuff because I can’t imagine having a place to move to for at least six weeks…but you never know, miracles could happen.

Money is going to be part of the miracle. with two part-time wages we might bring in a grand a month, we’ll need two for the deposit and rent in advance.

We’re beginning to consider moving the caravan to Brighton to live in it for a while…bit cold this time of year though!

Time to get creative.

sleep first.

I’m taking two seconds to say Aaaaahhh!

Life is beginning to feel like the ‘throw them in the air’ stage in pick-up-sticks.

We have no money, and no way of making this move easily and gently…luckily we have friends and family who want us back in Brighton so we’re not on our own.

I went for walks on the beach, in sun and in dark rain, and realised that the sea is the biggest part of my own sense of sanity. the relief to be there is instant and massive.

And to be surrounded by friends is the most scrumptious of feelings.

And every now and then everything changes…Currently we’re in Brighton and it looks like we may well be coming back to stay. Yay!!

It somehow feels like home again, and lots of little things have suddenly fallen into place, so it looks like we’ll be heading here instead of Edinburgh. (lots of happy family faces surround us as I type!)

We’ll be here for a couple more days and home to start packing from Monday.

Blessings of all kinds to all the lovely people that have been helping us, and on us to make the most of all the opportunities being offered  at the moment.

Today moved rapidly into the strangest of days. Struggling with my personal addictive demons, a death in Mark’s family, and feeling I’m going to miss saying goodbye to Neil before he leaves for Egypt (when in truth I’ve already been to two leaving do’s for him and a goodbye coffee!).

So it’s on with the practical things like washing and making plans to get to a funeral…and I just want some instant something to make everything feel better!

Something I just read, lead me to realise why I have so many rules and rights and shoulds and ‘ought to’s in my head….how it’s not automatic learnt repeating of what I have seen, but my choice to keep myself safe…the sentence ‘rules keep me safe’ popped into my head, and when I looked closer it turned into a very young me saying “having the rules is like having my mum around”.

There’s something very gentle and reassuring and freeing about this little realisation. A tiny bit sad too as it comes with the sensation of missing my mum and being frightened, ooh it feels like a first day at school! How strange and lovely.

So freeing.

Free Falling

I’m such a….can’t even think of a word for it! I get so lost so easily.

Sometimes free-falling through life is a good feeling…when I’ve let go of controlling outcomes because there is so much to choose from and I cannot predict the outcome of any action it’s the most wonderful alive feeling to let myself be taken by life. Not so much when I feel like I’m free-falling endlessly in one direction of sameness and gradually seem less and less able to recognise the branches that could break the fall Or remember how to reach out for them.

I also appear to have forgotten how to speak my heart in the moment…it has to be the most essential skill I learnt so far in my life, and the hardest…magic happens and life opens in amazing ways the mind does not suspect in advance…and I’m suddenly seeing how far I am from that and wondering quite when I slipped out of the habit. Life turns into waiting for truth to happen…as though I was waiting for a gap in the traffic, but I’ve been waiting so long I’ve forgotten why I wanted to cross the road in the first place and the passing cars have me too hypnotized to think clearly enough to choose to go somewhere else!

Ok, well that’s a start…a least having to write everything down in metaphors has reminded me about clean language counseling, which is something I want to research so I’m off again to get lost in my life….If I don’t appear for days again perhaps send up some flares…or send a search party with a bottle of JD and some Nina Simone, and I’ll cook (!)

Very peaceful and relaxed for the second afternoon in a row. It’s not that everything is under control, or that I’ve achieved so much I have the right to be complacent for a while, just that finally the sense of constant pressure is wearing off.

The whole idea, when I joined Ventura, was to get a super simple part-time job that I left behind as soon as I finished my little shift…that lasted an entire three months (including five weeks training)…by that time I’d designed a complementary training session to run along with the available training program…and a week later I was transferred to training, began working on average 12 hrs overtime a week, and began dreaming about it. A year later I transferred back in anticipation of an easy life, only to be faced with challenges that set my imagination going all over again…I spent the last few months juggling several projects at a time.

Now I’m back home there are several projects I want to get more clearly off the ground, and I don’t want to run out of steam and motivation, but I am more than happy to release the sense of pressure that has me feeling chased by some demon!

If my things and ideas don’t have some of their own momentum then perhaps I oughtn’t be choosing to chase them anyway…so I’m hoping that out of this peace (ha! there are now four kids here and this is my fourth attempt to finish this!) some creative dreams will have the chance to grow. 

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