The warm dry smell of tiredness
Invading in waves
My conscious awareness
Stripping energy and sapping strength
melting resistance, befuddling my brain
Tired and dry and lonely in the noise
Needing softness and support
Longing to stop all other forces
To drop the socks
Longing to meet all arguments
With the gaze of non-recognition
And just sleep.
The warm dry smell of tiredness
It’s a beginning
I woke up this morning feeling happy (and it was finally my lay-in Yay!) but as I lay there something else gradually began to dawn on me…I felt like myself, only ten years ago!
That’s actually a little odder than it sounds.
You know how sometimes a smell sends you back for a second, or finding a childhood toy can bring a hint to you of how you used to feel inside when you played with it…it was very like that, only incredibly solid. As if I just woke up in my old house, completely me, could tell you which clothes I had in my wardrobe, what toiletries were in the bathroom, everything. Solid. It didn’t fade out either, I just lay there feeling strangely and wonderfully me, but a different me. Most odd.
It was only once I was up and interacting with the kids that I suddenly realised the sensation had gone, and that, just like when you’ve had a whiff of a smell from your past, I could no longer feel in my body what it felt like at all.
It brought to mind all the people that I’ve heard say that they don’t change on the inside, that the body changes but we feel the same internally, still feel twenty five at sixty five…well not me! I feel quite quite different, and I didn’t know it until this morning.
Okay, that peculiar insight into my mind aside…the other good things today are this Halcyon Pink Belief Buffet video:
The fact that I have run out of things to send to the charity shop.
The Wonderful Creative Goddess Course I am about to enroll in and invite a friend to, hosted by the Ever Loving Leonie.
(I say here: enrol! enrol! Grab such a lovely opportunity to shine and embrace and play…and there’s extra squashiness in the form of delightful giftiness if you do it before December 1st)
And the fact that I finally began to lay colour on paper today… after a few weeks of clearing, the doodling has begun again.
It’s so lovely to keep waking up in a good mood 🙂 It doesn’t last perfectly all day, but it’s in the background most of the time and it’s lovely.
I’m beginning to see the end of the mass clear-out of the house…really nearly might as well have moved!
It’s been a longer process than I’d have guessed…and I still have more to go, which is how I’d like it…I want to stay with the ‘it’s passed, move it out’ energy for a while, even as an on going process from now, so nothing needs to be perfect and finished anytime soon.
I’m still working on week six of the TAW…Behind as ever! It’s quite a biggy to call into awareness one’s concept of God (which for me is Existence, Universe, All That Is) in relation to any one particular thing…and evidently calling into awareness my beliefs/feelings/concept of money is another one!
Abundance to me is the flow through me in any form, inward or outward all well and good…unless it’s that one bit too much attention that one of the kids want, or money…then suddenly I am exploring the concept of lack!
All interesting…at least I feel I’m approaching the moment I can ask for the answer to this one…hopefully I shall be heading in to week seven before Saturday…
…and even better than that, I hope I’m going to put paint onto paper before the end of today!!!!!
One of the times I shaved my hair
Okay, right at this moment I’m tired…hungry and tired, so this is going to be woefully short for a first blog in TEN days!!!
But I wanted to stop by and say Hi! I’m not quite irretrievably buried under the mountain of ‘stuff’ I am clearing from my house, but my day to day life is!
I am glad to say that this is what I’ve been waiting for since the beginning of 2008 and I’m so relieved it has arrived…I had such a deep sense of this healing and changing occurring this year and for a minute there I lost faith.
I’m waking up happy and deeply grateful in the mornings, looking around my house, realising that I’ve no idea how this will all end up (though it’s gradually becoming clearer) and just putting one thing in a bag after the other!
Lilly Rose blogged the other day about her Aha! moment about making unhealthy choices primarily because they are the ones she knows and is comfortable with. I find it so hard to break out of that.
I remember one healer I worked with asking what my life would be like without a particular problem I had and I realised I had no idea. I couldn’t even begin to imagine that life, I had never lived it! I felt it was like asking a baby in the womb to imagine the outside world…not possible.
For me these changes had to become a pilgrimage, a journey I have to take on faith, following the quietest threads inside myself into the unknown and through the unknown. I have actually shaved my head as a mark for these pilgrimages before…painted my nails orange, dyed my hair orange, carried a wand, carried a journal, worn a toe ring…these have all been marks and touchstones for these journeys of change toward the unknown…my sign of commitment and somehow the physical link to the unseen thread I am following. This time I am wearing dark kohl around my eyes! some days less, most days lots!
It’s a bit like putting a new painting you have fallen in love with in your house, it doesn’t fit but you love it, so gradually everything around it changes to accommodate it.
Lol!! That was longer than I anticipated!!
I send you a Big Kiss and hope to be at least looking down the other side of the mountain by the tine I get back.
I’m having such an amazing time!
The sun is shining today, the air is clear and very crisp and I’m sat with my huge back door open letting int he November sun and chilly temperature (with a full sari wrapped around my shoulders and my ear muffs on!)
I don’t get to the blogging stage a lot at the moment, but it’s all for good reasons. Some days I’ve been terribly low but only with facing the demons I’m ousting so it’s all good in the long run.
My house is still a mess!!!! but it’s a good progressing mess and I’m learning to go with the flow, there’s years of stagnation and accumulation to wade through and rinse away…if it takes me a month it’s a minuscule fraction of the years it’s been building.
I took some time a few days ago to look through other TAW blogs and remembered that I’d fancied doing the Soul Coaching that Pen is doing, thinking damn, missed it, went to take a peak only to find the house clearing majorly on the agenda there as well! I’m happy about that.
Clearing the house strangely seemed the first step to me to enable me to clear my body…not quite got an intellectual grasp on that, but it’s working…feeling less out-of-control and that I can choose now to eat as I want…
And the transition from week four to five is finally coming to a close! I had read on to week five, but had not felt finished with week four so had put my tasks on hold (my clear an item from your wardrobe/closet, and list a thing you haven’t changed, turned into mammoth tasks!) today I finally wrote my letter from my eighty year old self, Grandmother Julia! and it goes like this:
Look forward to it! Enjoy it, Love it, and it is all yours for the keeping. Every moment experienced is a gift of a thousand memories and connections. Your life is beautiful and you are as beautiful as life; See it, seize it, dance it , kiss it, embrace it. Write it and paint it the deepest colours and move with an open body into it’s joyous, exuberant adventures; Sex and laughter, dreaming and dancing, dressing and helping, healing and moving. Hold it and witness it, everything within you is possible.
In that moment
I can’t recall
The nature of falsities
The Peace is bigger
The Love is deeper
So much so
Is a pinprick
In the universe
I see those shadows
Than I can focus on them
To the chasm left
When I can’t focus
On this Love and Peace
For all the false dreams
I am holding.