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August 2009

Boredom?

As I try to focus on almost anything in my life, I seem to have to learn about it anew and today I feel that not only is my life a constantly shifting seascape but I am suddenly aware that it is constantly changing in colour.

A gorgeous, vibrant, never caught the woman sitting still, friend of mine today suggested that one of the important things to takle in marriage is the boredom. !!!???
My brain is still !!!???
I’m struggling to imagine the possibility of boredom having the chance to settle in. Depression, anger, resentment, guilt, all often callers.
Perhaps you’d have to be constantly happy in order to get bored with it.
Perhaps I’m keeping myself so full and busy and challenged in denial of boredom?

As I was Lying

As I was lying
In exhausted ecstasy
Thoughts and worlds
Tumbling, dissolving, streamers
Around my bed
I slipped into Knowing
Into Nothing.

I am Loving
I am Loving Everything
I am Nothing Loving Everything.

Then it hit me
I am that darkness
That refreshing cool Void
I am the space
The Gap
The Pause.

I was no longer staring into the Void
Longing and fearing
Choosing and turning in the same moment
I have become whole again with who I was
Not by Leaping
But by being
That Nothing
Into which I had dissolved.

Great Big Nothing

As I was lying
In exhausted ecstasy
Thoughts and worlds
Tumbling, dissolving, streamers
Around my bed
I slipped into Knowing
Into Nothing.

I am Loving
I am Loving Everything
I am Nothing Loving Everything.

Then it hit me
I am that darkness
That refreshing cool Void
I am the space
The Gap
The Pause.

I was no longer staring into the void
Longing and fearing
Choosing and turning in the same moment
I have become whole again with who I was
Not by Leaping
But by being
That Nothing
Into which I had dissolved. 

The Big Fat Nothing

I wanted to run around last night
Yelling I get! I get it! I get it!
Instead I smiled
Floated in Peace
Dark Peace Deep
In the cool refreshing space
Of Nothing
Not even Loving
Not even Love
Just Nothing.

I heard somewhere once
That the journey for men
Was to learn that they are Love
Yet be pre-disposed
To knowing they are Nothing
Whilst the journey
For women
Was to understand
That they are Nothing
Beyond their knowledge
That they are Love

I had stood there once
On the path
Into Nothingness
Pulled and invited
Tempted yet holding
Onto Love
My Love
For my son

Half of me left
Half of me stayed
Often wondering
If I could ever let myself fall

Then there I was Loving,
Loving Everything
When inescapibly
It was clear
I was Nothing
That was Loving
Everything

I was there
As the Darkness
No Leap
Just myself
As the the ocean
Of Nothing
I had feared.

Loss

Part of me can’t believe how slow I am, and part of me cannot believe how far we’ve come!

I err very much on the side of caution in my everyday blog as I often work with children, teens and vulnerable adults and sexuality is something that most often has to remain private. So of late I have not benefitted as I did when I used to write here regularly. ! Thinking about it assorted members of my family read my everyday blog too, which would certainly make for some interesting conversations between them!

So I found myself at five this morning filled with grief and jealousy…jealous that my husband looks so beautiful and I have eaten myself into what feels like near destruction and certainly into unhealthy, un-beautiful obesity. Jealous and angry because I have eaten and squashed down my feelings and sexuality almost constantly for the last eight years whilst constantly trying to support and encourage his self-acceptance and confidence. My heart sings when I see him stepping beautifully into his life…but when it took him only ten minutes to get ready and look stunning before going out last night, and I knew that even after two hours of trying I would feel ugly fat and almost not invisible enough I cracked. 

I am very unhappy at the moment.

A couple of recent ones from The Universe

Julia, I know what it’s like. I’ve seen it played out a few zillion times. You’re waiting for that magical day when someone makes the connection and recognizes who you really are. Maybe they’ll first catch the sparkle in your eye. Or perhaps they’ll marvel at your insights and the depth of your spirit. Someone who will help you connect the dots, believe in yourself, and make sense of it all. Someone who will understand you, approve of you, and unhesitatingly give you a leg up so that life can pluck your ready, ripened self from the branch of magnificence. Ahhhhhhhhhhh…

Well, I’m here to tell you, Julia, your wait is over. That someone, is you.

Good thing you rock,
The Universe

Julia, here’s some sage advice I once scrawled onto a cave wall long before the wheel, Atlantis, and Facebook:

Aim with your heart, adjust with your head, and always, always, always, do all you can.

Caves, email, same, same.

Tallyho,
The Universe

Trip to Yorkshire

I was sooooo proud when I saw our eldest climbing this!
And happy watching them all playing


Mum’s green fingers contributed to dinner every night!


The most stylish pic!
In this picture you can just about make out me taking a picture of me!

Just an Oldie

So much so much so much.

I find that life and myself are flowing in little rivulets back toward some body of self, of source.

And of course it’s all Love Love and more than I can imagine, Love.

There is such peace there, yet somehow staying true to that source/self/truth is such a challenging path.

Ahhh, starting to get the feeling of the ‘peace in the centre of the storm’

It all seems so new and so fragile all over again…

Let me stay keen to this.

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