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September 2005

There are amazing beautiful wonderful people on this planet, Paul Nolan is one of them…and loving friendship is a gift, perhaps The Gift in this life.

Wishing healing and love to Rachel and her little family.

 

Never mind banging my head against it….I feel like I’m bodily throwing myself against a brick wall! hmmm maybe even a flint one at that!

Working for other people is so much easier than making it up yourself.

I suspect that something has to give…very soon.

 

I’ve had a few very down days…I can tell how far I am from living my dreams by how unhappy I am during my period…and this month was really bad. But I’ve woken this morning with a very very familiar, yet lightly surprising ache, full of images of love and spirit. My mind is racing through images of old relationships and I can tell part of me is searching for the thread…for the places I’ve lost it (or let go of it).

It’s a good stage…achey because I suddenly feel the grief and longing for those people and relationships, or past stages in relationships I’m still in, all over again…but good because usually the next step in my life, as it is, suddenly becomes apparent.

The thread runs through all things at all times, it just has to come into focus, and it’s always in my hands when I find it.

So much for plans and timetables!

Zacky is sick so we’re curled up on the sofa with a duvet…

…Seem to have found the answer to constantly feeling that there are things I must/need to do. Zacky and I now begin a working day at 09:30 that ends at 13:30. we’ve been trying it for a couple of days now and it appears a good basic framework for the learning and house stuff that needs to be done. Anything else I do after that is optional, which includes my art and business ideas, changes I want to make in the house, writing, reading etc… The side effect is that I can relax and enjoy those things properly and that is a gift. Just like the huge brilliantly clear double rainbow we just had over Thurnscoe.

Now the question is social life, the last couple of nights I’ve been hanging out for Mark coming home and it’s caused tension when he has other plans…hmmm

We’ve been here before….

Ok….I’m off to imagine alternatives.

May I finally learn this lesson.

Yesterday I heard something I’ve heard a thousand times before…

“Why are we here? is the ultimate question”

and it struck me how absurd it is…how unanswerable and pointless…and suddenly every question and thought seemed quite pointless.

And suddenly the word rational is my least favourite, rationalisation, rations, rationalise….all seem disturbingly cold and grey…

The rational mind so happily runs amok with a huge sense of it’s own importance on the back of so many thoughts, which circumstance created in the first place. The mind is so busy taking responsiblity for a world outside of itself…the world has gone mad with rational thinking!

 

It’s really strange to self-define….I’m used to becoming what is needed of me, to rising to the external challenge/demand placed on me at any one time. Becoming something from the inside is different, and I’m not entirely convinced possible.

I’m not sure of my habit of “clearing the decks”…my needing to have everything straight to let my own path take over. Whether that is procrastination and avoiding the self/growing bit.

Hmmmm.

Waiting for balance.

Missing some relationships, but glad to be clear for a while, to not be defined by them.

 

Such a beautiful weekend…dance class, making music, eating good food, hugs and chat a plenty, all with beautiful friends….

I’m still clearing up the mess!

Enjoying it today though.

 

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