In the midst of all my trying to learn, and trying to set up space for art to grow, and trying to develop the technilogical knowledge of how to do so in cspace…I find I am back here because I’m struggling a bit with expressing myself in life.

I don’t usually post here anymore, the hopewitch journal was very much to do with poly life and Having a baby shifted my needs greatly for a while…
But I’m at one of those points.
I have quietly and quite comfortably had a bit of a crush for the last couple of years on a friend…I’m generally comfortable with my crushes…I have learnt that I’m like that… I find people wonderful, I fall in love lots…humans are amazing and beautiful, and if you watch anyone for a quiet while you’ll see some treasure. That moment I want to take people in my hands and show them themselves, show them their beauty and fragility and let them feel at least one aspect of the universes love for them…the love that I feel for them, the love suddenly the universe seems full of for them everywhere I look.
Times in my life I have felt these feelings in me as some spiritual part of the universe’s conversation with itself…then other times I am much more reasonable and see my own patterns of feelings repeating themselves…I don’t question it too deeply, I’ve seen enough on love addiction, and learnt enough from experience to know it’s not always healthy to follow our hearts thoughtlessly…especially thoughtlessly with regard to those we supposedly love.
But still these feelings are here, and grow strong enough to be painful to me at times, sad to be away from…physically challenging erotic charge…moments in this persons presence when my composure can be shot completely by an unexpected movement or phrase.
It’s so hard when it’s a friend I don’t want to lose…
Don’t want to dump my stuff on them, don’t want to terrify them or even make them uncomfortable…
struggling with how to deal with integrity…
I really don’t want to lose them as a friend.
…..hmmmm