TLDR: I think we might be a powerful and fast learning society – if whenever we saw someone hold a ‘failing’ – we automatically reflected on the ways that we all contribute to that something happening – and the way we let people carry blame on their own.
We live, inescapably it seems, in a culture of fault finding, blaming, and shame.
From the simplest of life situations at work or at home.
In politics and business dealings of our society.
To the subtle and silent ever present responsibilities we hold as individuals.
And it is almost impossible to see the wood for all the trees.
Let alone heal the wood.
In truth many blames we take on, others might tell us ‘noooo! You do not deserve this blame’. But we know, that some tiny part of us needs to. Some tiny part, that equally often, we cannot speak.
And often when we are blaming others, we know that we too, hold a responsible part in the moment, but can be afraid that if we own our part, the ‘other’ cannot, or will not, own theirs and we will have to hold it all.
So much of what is messy in life, and we are beating ourselves up about –
Or holding other individuals responsible for –
Are in reality the tips of waves that are rolling through our society and we are breaking ourselves on the crest of.
For example: The exhaustion I feel at needing to clean and tidy my house for example – to have it look good enough for guests – or webcam etc..
If I say to every friend of mine ‘nonono – don’t tidy, or worry, it’s nonsense to do that for me I don’t care – please save your energy’, but then tidy whenever they visit my house – I am part of the signalling that creates shame and sense of failing for them.
Or even just, when we silently hold on to a self-blame through shame –
and possibly without our voice, 100 other people are silent about the same pain, blame and shame they feel over that same thing, never being surrounded by the community of other reflections on our humaness.
And so we have these patterns piling up – patriarchy – meritocracy – neuro(typical)normativity – spiritual perfectionism – parent blaming etc…
The trauma, of what we did, of what others did to us, and the story between those two.
Being alone with our battle scars, our broken attempts, the grief of messing something up –
bearing the weight of a swell bought to us by a whole society – feeling our bones, alone, cracking under the weight.
When I fail to have a productive day – who will share this blame with me?
When I am unable to shake my sense of shame and grief, at my human failings as a mother – who will share this blame with me?
When I protect something of myself, at the expense of a partner’s peace of mind – who will share this blame with me?
When my pain has lashed out and hurt another – who will share this blame with me?
In my mind – when I see this all shared, all the weight of the ocean holding me down, the confusion of the trees, dissolves
- and freedom to work with truth is in its place
Love as always ❤